Easter at the Key's Crib

Eavesdropper’s Easter Report.

Even the Prime Ministers security crew have to work over Easter and Wheeler’s Corner inside man in the GCSB was no exception. And like all good security agents his eyes and ears were fully functioning over the Easter period.

Now the PM John Key, you’ve no doubt heard that he is good friends, no really good friends with key players in the local Auckland Chinese business community. Key believes strongly that China and its Communist, ultra controlling government is the way to go. Well over Easter at his two million dollar beach-side crib [South Island word for beach house] he held serious discussions with a Chinese government official, who just happened to be a very good friend of Judith Collins and her husband and who just happened to be a keen golfer. For the purpose of this report I will refer to this strange chap as X, we spy types always call villains X, it’s sort of traditional.

All comments from Mr X were translated by Judith Collins husband

“Ah, Mr X it’s good to meet you face to face at last, Judith has told me all about you and especially what you did to get clearance for that milk into China during the Fonterra scare”, said wee John as he bowed his head and offered his hand.

“It is nice to amongst you all oh mighty leader of New Zealand”, said Mr X whilst lowering his head.

“Thank you, but please call me simply Prime Minister rather than mighty leader, now would you like something to drink Mr X, a wine, brandy or a glass of NZ milk”, asked the PM as he led them to the patio table and chairs.

“Thank you PM but I would prefer to call you Mighty Leader because that’s the way we do things in the democratic republic of China”, Your country is very lovely and very profitable, why only yesterday I bought and sold two properties and made a huge profit and since you don’t have any capital gains taxes it’s even more rewarding to do business here in NZ”.

As they all sat down a servant brought them their drinks, a bottle of Dutch beer for the PM, a glass of milk for Judith’s husband, a diet coke for Judith and a Chinese brandy for Mr X. I and the other security crew were offered a class of water, there was me and my SIS mate and two US undercover agents pretending to be police Officers.

“Now Mr X you won’t forget to tell your leaders that this meeting was really just a social meeting about golf and rugby with your very dear friend Judith and her hubby and myself because I realise how touchy they can be regarding anything that could be called a possible conflict of interest…that was a very near thing when you had lunch with Judith in Shanghai we were bloody lucky to get away with that shady deal back here. The bloody Greens are demanding changes”, said the PM as he sipped his Dutch beer.

“I can’t understand why you have to put up with the Greens after all you are the PM why don’t you just arrest them and lock them up, that’s what we do back in China, even the Americans do the same all the time…they just drone their enemies”, replied Mr X.

“Yes, it would be handy to be able to remove the God-Damn Greens, the Mana crowd, the aging NZ First mob and the moaning multitude in the Labour Party, to get rid of that lot I’d have to knock off half the country”, said the PM sounding very whimsical and trancelike.

“Don’t worry, John we’ll work it out. When we’ve won the election, then bit by bit we’ll clear the country of the unwanted and unwashed, we’ll ban unemployment and we’ll force those too lazy to get a job to an island off PNG, one that will end up under water because of climate change. That’ll get rid of thousands of Maori and the Mana Party and then we can invite Don Brash back into the fold”, said a beaming glowing Judith Collins as she roughed up the hair of her husband.

“Don’t do that, her husband muttered I’m not your little lap dog…”

“Right then said the PM we had better get down to business and see if we can’t find a way to change our style of government to one more like the Chinese model, one where governments to exactly what they wish, when they wish and how they wish. After all that’s what the US, Russia and China and even the UK does these days…so why shouldn’t we? He said sounding like a modern day Napoleon on the brink of going to war against Tsarist Russia.   

Eavesdropper was hoping to learn more but the PM suddenly ordered all the security staff to move away from the elaborate patio and massive swimming pool area and indoors into the over decorated lounge where the PMs Wife sat knitting and watching a re-run of Coronation Street…you can’t really blame a wife for the sins of her husband can you…but then again Judith Collins behaviour may cause you to think differently.

Eavesdropper will be reporting again next week and I’ll share with you…

Wheelers Corner NZ